What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
