The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Randomize
