It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
