he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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