you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Randomize
