Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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