ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
