If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Randomize
