i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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