I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
