Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
i think we sleep fucked last night...
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
