So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
This is classic penis vs brain.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
