He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
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