maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Randomize
