I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
