Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
