i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
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