Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
he wants to bone in the snuggie
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
