omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
