I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
