yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
