I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I had to cum in my sink.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
