Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Please don't give away my fajitas
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
