i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
