I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize