How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Everyone says I win the strip club
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
