I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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