You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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