I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
