Im at strip club and am horny
I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
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