the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
