My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
you made out with another girl for some wings
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
