all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
