i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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