a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
