Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Randomize
