I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
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