franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
