At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
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