I wanna bring you to show and tell
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
