you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I have post one night stand depression
Randomize
