You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
