YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I'm both gender and math confused
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
