Your dad touched me again.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I'm too high and old for this...
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
