I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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