You're completely useless in the revolution.
thus making me awesome and them whores
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
