Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Randomize
