You can't motorboat a personality
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Randomize
