And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Randomize
