Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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