i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
