I feel like I'm in dance class right now
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize
