I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Randomize
