he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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