I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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