she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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