May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
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